Thursday, September 06, 2012

Dear Network Executive

Dear ****** Network Executive

This will be my last time writing to you. Your continued refusal to consider Rocco ChimCham: Gorilla Detective as part of your new fall lineup has brought my spirits and creative output to an all-time low. I just don't get you guys. What is missing from this formula? He's a gorilla, he's a detective. He solves crimes big and small. Where are we not connecting here? Is it because he's a gorilla? Because your network contains all kinds of different mystery sleuths, from a white guy who is a famous novelist who happens to work with the NYPD to a white guy who has a photographic memory, to a white guy who tricks people with his mind. Where does he not fit in?

I'm beginning to think you got confused by the title, and didn't venture past it to read about all the amazing crime solving adventures he'll have. Let me state clearly once and for all. He is not a guy who solves crimes about gorillas, okay? He's a gorilla who solves crimes. Any kind of crimes. Sure they could have to do with animals, but they don't have to be isolated to that. He could solve crimes anywhere from the world of high fashion in Milan, to an Anaconda murder in Belize. He's versatile.

Is it because he doesn't talk in more than grunts and huffs? Because I've explained time and again, that's what Bok, his 10-year-old Vietnamese sidekick, is there for. And if you want, we can throw in a translator character for Bok. Maybe a sexy stewardess, or weight lifter. I see an older version of Jessica Biel. And heck if that doesn't work, we could drop Bok and go back to my original idea of a broom being his sidekick. Rocco has fashioned it to look like Jamie Lee Curtis by using the bristles as hair, and a banana as her mouth. This might come off as racist. Your thoughts?

You may be confused also by another part in the title. Rocco is his real name. ChimCham is his captivity name. My hope is that one day we can drop the ChimCham part (as it is slightly offensive) and just call it Rocco: Gorilla Detective. If I'm really pipe dreaming however, one day his name will be so synonymous with crime solving that we could just call the show Rocco. It's got a ring to it. Real possibilities for branding there.

And guys, I'm not an idiot. After 25 years as a vendor of Ham Radios, I know what sells. If this show doesn't work for you, I have other ideas. Let me just throw some stuff against the floor and see what sticks.

First off, what are some niches you're not hitting with your network shows thus far? Duh! Paragliding and mailmen. That's where Tim Connors: Paragliding Mailman comes in.

It might be hard to find a mailman who's a paraglider, but I guarantee you, there is a paraglider somewhere who has also delivered the mail at some point in his life. Think of the advertising tie-ins. He flies, he delivers the mail. He has a one-in-ten chance of death.

If that doesn't work for you, the world of reality television is at your disposal, boys. I'm thinking of a grandma who is a paranormal investigator and captures the souls of the ghosts in her antique German figurines. You call it Lady McCorrigan's Ceramic Ghost Menagerie. Now to make things clearer, she doesn't have to be named McCorrigan, but it can't hurt.

Last but not least, I have three words for you: Celebrity-Pet Funerals. Boom!

Anyway, thanks for reading this, guys. I'm sorry if I sounded a little intense when I started this last (23rd) letter. I'm just happy to know that you're possibly still considering my show, and if the gorilla that I owned for 7 years, whom I based Rocco off of hadn't killed my Aunt, and was still alive today, he would be happy too.
Now if someone could just get back to me to let me know you've received this correspondence I would greatly appreciate it.

Rick Phillips
President Rocco Films and Ham's 
Durango, Colorado


Taren said...

Is there a petition to get Rocco on the air? I want to sign it. Twice.

James Best said...

Very funny, sir. And I believe in your Rocco vision.

And I guffawed when I read about the aunt getting killed.