Thursday, September 06, 2012

Dear Network Executive

Dear ****** Network Executive

This will be my last time writing to you. Your continued refusal to consider Rocco ChimCham: Gorilla Detective as part of your new fall lineup has brought my spirits and creative output to an all-time low. I just don't get you guys. What is missing from this formula? He's a gorilla, he's a detective. He solves crimes big and small. Where are we not connecting here? Is it because he's a gorilla? Because your network contains all kinds of different mystery sleuths, from a white guy who is a famous novelist who happens to work with the NYPD to a white guy who has a photographic memory, to a white guy who tricks people with his mind. Where does he not fit in?

I'm beginning to think you got confused by the title, and didn't venture past it to read about all the amazing crime solving adventures he'll have. Let me state clearly once and for all. He is not a guy who solves crimes about gorillas, okay? He's a gorilla who solves crimes. Any kind of crimes. Sure they could have to do with animals, but they don't have to be isolated to that. He could solve crimes anywhere from the world of high fashion in Milan, to an Anaconda murder in Belize. He's versatile.

Is it because he doesn't talk in more than grunts and huffs? Because I've explained time and again, that's what Bok, his 10-year-old Vietnamese sidekick, is there for. And if you want, we can throw in a translator character for Bok. Maybe a sexy stewardess, or weight lifter. I see an older version of Jessica Biel. And heck if that doesn't work, we could drop Bok and go back to my original idea of a broom being his sidekick. Rocco has fashioned it to look like Jamie Lee Curtis by using the bristles as hair, and a banana as her mouth. This might come off as racist. Your thoughts?

You may be confused also by another part in the title. Rocco is his real name. ChimCham is his captivity name. My hope is that one day we can drop the ChimCham part (as it is slightly offensive) and just call it Rocco: Gorilla Detective. If I'm really pipe dreaming however, one day his name will be so synonymous with crime solving that we could just call the show Rocco. It's got a ring to it. Real possibilities for branding there.

And guys, I'm not an idiot. After 25 years as a vendor of Ham Radios, I know what sells. If this show doesn't work for you, I have other ideas. Let me just throw some stuff against the floor and see what sticks.

First off, what are some niches you're not hitting with your network shows thus far? Duh! Paragliding and mailmen. That's where Tim Connors: Paragliding Mailman comes in.

It might be hard to find a mailman who's a paraglider, but I guarantee you, there is a paraglider somewhere who has also delivered the mail at some point in his life. Think of the advertising tie-ins. He flies, he delivers the mail. He has a one-in-ten chance of death.

If that doesn't work for you, the world of reality television is at your disposal, boys. I'm thinking of a grandma who is a paranormal investigator and captures the souls of the ghosts in her antique German figurines. You call it Lady McCorrigan's Ceramic Ghost Menagerie. Now to make things clearer, she doesn't have to be named McCorrigan, but it can't hurt.

Last but not least, I have three words for you: Celebrity-Pet Funerals. Boom!

Anyway, thanks for reading this, guys. I'm sorry if I sounded a little intense when I started this last (23rd) letter. I'm just happy to know that you're possibly still considering my show, and if the gorilla that I owned for 7 years, whom I based Rocco off of hadn't killed my Aunt, and was still alive today, he would be happy too.
Now if someone could just get back to me to let me know you've received this correspondence I would greatly appreciate it.

Rick Phillips
President Rocco Films and Ham's 
Durango, Colorado

Nothing has ever been cool...ever

Author’s Note: I would just like to state for the record, that I know you’re not going to think this post is funny, because I know you’re going to think that I’m trying too hard to be cool, by not being cool, and that’s just not you. Not to me necessarily.
-The Author

So, I meant to write this post awhile ago, but I couldn’t think of anything clever, modern or witty to write about. I was trying to write something cool and meaningful, but then I decided that nothing I would write about is even that great. 

Even trying to write this post, I found that the theme of it had already been conceived before it came into my head. I know that like 8,000 people have already thought of writing a piece like this, but then didn’t, because they were just basing their idea off of this trite article that this wannabe nobody had already written based on a Gore Vidal piece that he was inspired to write after reading a novella by Kurt Vonnegut, and just kind of twisted it around until it sounded new. But it wasn’t. Not even then.

On a side note, I can’t believe I said “Kurt Vonnegut”. A ton of people would have thought of referencing Kurt Vonnegut. I should have said someone way more obscure, like Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa. Very few people know about Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa. I know, because I typed in “obscure writers” into the google search bar and his name popped up like a million times. 

I am a little worried that this writing might come off as a bit elitist and self-important, but I SO don’t care what other people think about it. They might consider it hard to crack, or too meta, and that is basically what I’m going for. I wanted to create something so meta, that it’s not even meta anymore. I’d consider it post-modern meta-ism, or meta post-modernism. I love when people use terms like “meta” and “post-modernism” because I feel like those people have NO idea what they’re even talking about. Isn’t that funny? Whatever. 

So, anyway, I hope that you get what I’m trying to do here. At the same time, if you don’t get what I’m trying to do, then it’s probably just not for you. I mean, it’s definitely not for everyone. But then again, if it was for everyone, than I probably wouldn’t even be interested in it, along with like two-thirds of the population. If everyone in society “got it” then what’s the point of even writing it? Writing has never been for everyone. 

Also, I feel like the hardest part is that I’m really writing this from my point of view. Write what you know, right? But that’s kind of foolish on my part. People don’t really get where I’m coming from, because they haven’t lived my life, or walked my journey, so writing this would mostly be for me. But no one really knows me. In fact no one really knows anyone. Anyone will tell you that. But everyone says that. It's so cliché.

I think I might be going for "absurdism" with this piece, but I really want to ask you, or ask myself really, since you’re not even reading this, what absurdism even means? I don’t really need your help. I mean, I’m pretty sure I can figure it out for myself. I’ve heard of google. That was sarcasm. You’ve heard of sarcasm haven’t you? No, I sincerely want to know. I’m not being facetious. 

I’m joking. 

I think my biggest problem with this essay is that you might think it’s too sincere. That is something that a lot of people have a problem with these days. They think people are writing stuff that’s too genuine and cheesy. Sincerity has become the new sarcasm, and I definitely don’t want to write something like that. I’d rather write something from the heart, that they can really run with. But even if that doesn’t play with them, then I’m pretty sure I’m going to be okay. I’m not out to please them. 

Who are “they” anyway?

I’m just about ready to wrap this up. I was going to have my girlfriend read it, to tell me if she thought it was good, but then I thought, no, she’ll think it’s trying too hard. But then again, what does she know? She’s not a writer. Actually I should be totally honest and say that she’s not my girlfriend, she’s my wife, but I was afraid you wouldn’t think I was cool if I was married. 

In all honesty, I’m not even married. I just made that up to sound like I was more relatable. 

In the end I hope no one even reads this. It’s too self-aware, and I don’t really want to put my heart out on my sleeve and let everyone know who I am. At the same time though, this is me. This is how I do things, and if you can’t deal with it, than maybe you shouldn’t even be reading this.

I am actually married.