Monday, December 25, 2006

Everyday at FedEx Kinkos is the new worst day of my life...

A CRY FOR HELP...Vol 1.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Originally posted my other blog, A Cry for Help - A weekly advice blog.

"Wants To Be Funny" of Internet Land writes...

"Dear Cry For Help,

If girls like guys that are funny, why do a lot of funny guys I know not get any girls? Should I keep trying to be funny so that girls like me, or is it just not worth the effort? :)"

Dear "Wants To Be Funny",

The following is a response I am obligated by the state of Kentucky and its' governing bodies to submit to you:
"Girls like guys who can be themselves, and are not trying to put on a show for them...So just be yourself."

GREAT! Now that we've gotten that "legal mumbo jumbo" out of the way I'll give you the real answer to your question. Here it is:
Girls like a guy who will do ANYTHING that they can to impress them, and this usually means being funny!
It's simple... Ya gotta want it! Do whatever you can!
Wear a funny mask on a date. Try out impressions or accents that you're not good at in front of them. If these don't have their intended effect, carry a small joke book in your pocket that contains hilarious material. Here are a few examples that have worked wonders for me...

Example 1:
-How does the queen bee get around her hive?
...Give up?
-She's THRONE.
OR
Example 2:
- Why is honey so scarce in Boston?
...Give up?
-Because there's only one "B" in Boston?

If you should find yourself in a major lull in conversation at dinner pull one of these timeless gems out and away you go. You'll soon be knee dip in hugs and kisses...
(Authors note...they shouldn't all be "Bee Jokes". That was just the only joke book I had around me at the time.)
What? That's not working? Well have you thought of buying a funny t-shirt with a clever saying on it like:

"I'm only wearing black till they come up with something darker"
or
"As a matter of fact the world does revolve around me!"

That last one makes me giggle. But think about it. A T-Shirt makes a definite statement about who you are and where you're going! Here are some more examples that are equally good.

Oh here's another good one. Have you seen Napoleon Dynamite? If not ...Buy it...Watch it...MEMORIZE IT!...try and work it into conversation. This shall be your bible. For example if your date says...

-"So what are you doing tomorrow night?"
(respond thusly)
-"What ever the freak I want to do...(now this part is important. Be sure to throw your head to the side in a rapid fashion while squinting your eyes and finish off with a hearty)
"GOSH!"

Let me tell you, I know from past experience that chicks love it when you use someone else's material as your own. Other resources might be Simpson's quotes...explaining your favorite scene from "Family Guy" in detail (especially if they haven't seen it), or even funny songs. Hello, I have just two words for you. WEIRD...AL!
Babes love it!

Still not funny? Well I don't know what to tell you. Try HARDER...ALOT HARDER. This is just stuff that has worked for me! And do I seem lonely? HA!

One more thing. In response to your comment about guys who are funny not getting girls well it's pretty obvious...THEY'RE NOT ATTRACTIVE!
Now go get em tiger!!!

Sincerely
"A Cry For Help"

Submit your questions to Jeff at "", or at his blog on MySpace. Be sure to give yourself a name, like "So Desperate He Would Date a Robot"...or "Lonely in Provo".

Ask Jeff

Go ahead...ask me for advice. I need some new writing material.

Movie Review - Monster House

Wow...this movie was kind of disturbing. The writing was really interesting, and the animation was awesome (although I still think the only animated film to get cartoon humans right was "The Incredibles") but wow, it had some pretty adult themes, and the last 20 minutes of the film all I could think about was "did the house really eat and digest those cops and Jason Lee?". Anyway, I find myself loving animated movies more and more these days, and Monster House was a pleasant surprise.

Speaking of Critics...Movie Review - F is for Fake

This one is weird yet intriguing. First off let me say that Orson Welles is probably more in love with himself than a nomal person should be. Then again Orson Welles never was considered a normal person.
So this is a pseudo documentary that tells the story of Elmyr De Hory, and Clifford Irving. De Hory who was the probably the world's greatest art forger, (a concept I'm not sure I completely understand, I mean does he copy existing paintings by famous artists or does he make new ones that LOOK like some famous artist painted them? Yeah...probably the second one...thanks for giving me the time to work/type this out) and Irving who wrote De Hory's biography, and then in later years lied about getting permission from the recluse Howard Hughes to write his biography and publish it (see the upcoming film "The Hoax" starring Richard Gere as Irving...it tells the whole story).
Anyway the plot aside this film despite it's awful 70's audio dubbing and the presence of O.W.'s lame 70's girlfriend is way ahead of it's time in terms of its' non-linear editing and storytelling. The theme I enjoyed most about the film however, is that we put way too much stock in so called "experts". For example in the film they site that of the majority of art experts who examined De Hory's forgeries of artists like Picasso, almost none of them could tell that they were fake.
I think this film makes a brilliant point. What is an expert? What makes a critic right?

Movie Review - The Proposition

Wow...more on this later. Got to go to bed for at least 8 hours.
It's later now. So this movie was beautiful and yet incredibly violent. Probably a safe bet to say that it's not for everyone. I have a feeling, perhaps a bad feeling that I'm falling more in love with quiet often slow paced films, spotted with moments of violence, embraced by the artistic elite. Gosh I hate critics, especially when I agree with them.

Awful Movie Review - Stay Alive

So this is the first review I did of a movie that was awful which I knew going into it.
-Jeff 11-2-07

First Movie...Stay Alive...Let the pain begin

Lot of interesting actors...in one of the crappiest movies I have ever seen. Why...Why...Why do I do this to myself? I think for some reason known only to Heaven and Idiot Savants that I was slightly intrigued by the plot...WHY??? Why do I have an addiction to STUPID lame genre movies?
On a side-note, I think Sophia Bush is cool as a goth chick.

I feel good about tonight...well yesternight

Been out of sorts lately with ComedySportz, but tonight felt good. I invited this girl that I barely know at all and somehow I still performed well. Which is crazy because usually when I invite someone I don't do well or at least I don't feel good about it.

One thing I find sad however is that sometimes when I feel like I have a good show I worry that my performance was at the expense of the other players, and I base the shows on how I did, and not how we did as a team or an ensemble. I just hope that everyone enjoyed it tonight and felt good about it. Players especially. I did. Real thought for the day tonight.

Ouch - 11-18-06

I think I need to start to reexamine my diet when I find myself eating more than one serving of fried cheese in one day.

What happened?

So I've been gone friends. I've been gone for quite a while. Where have I gone? I don't know. I've been working on my movie for a while now. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it. All that money, all this time. All I want is the chance to make something better, with a bigger budget, and the kind of crew that I can trust (not that these people I worked with weren't great. I would definitely work with all of them again). Anyway. What a cliche' Sometimes I hate being this introspective.
-Jeff
PS. Sometimes I want to pronounce it "Cove"-n not "Coven" like "Oven".

Wow...I've been a slacker and haven't written anything in almost 6 months. Time FLIES! Everything I've written has been like a fortune cookie too. What's the deal? Expect big things in a short time.

The feeling of success is almost as nice as having a really cool girlfriend.